NIP IT IN THE BUD

Cheese-grater

It’s kinda like that. Ouch!

RUNNER: “Your nipples might bleed.”

ME: “Can you say that again?”

RUNNER: “Your nipples might bleed.”

ME: “My nipples might what?”

RUNNER: “Bleed.”

ME: “Bleed?”

RUNNER: “Bleed.”

ME: “$%#@”

That was me just before my first 8-mile run back in 2008 when I was told that I should probably get some kind of nipple protection. I was thinking, “What the hell kind of sport am I getting into where my nipples might start dripping blood like a pair of synchronized leaky faucets.” Got a mental picture, didn’t you?

Don’t believe me? Fine, I’ll show you.

Okay, I was prepared to show you actual photos, but I figured it’d gross you out. So, instead go watch this commercial for the 2007 London Marathon. It’s one of the funniest spots you’ll ever see. Be sure to watch the last shot.

CLICK HERE. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Hilarious, right? And a little frightening.

Well, if being prim, proper and dignified is a necessity for you, then distance running is probably not your sport. We are a sweaty, messy bunch and dealing with bodily functions comes with the territory (and makes for some funny subject matter).

Okay, back to my nipples.

So, to my horror I learned that you can indeed get bloody nipples while running. And before you ladies freak out, you can relax. This is basically a guy problem. Since you ladies have sports bras to handle “the girls” (another topic entirely) your, how shall I say it… “nipular area” (as stated in the show “Friends”) is already covered. But for guys, however, we tend to have our tech shirts rubbing against our chests. The nipples stick out the furthest and once you add moisture with constant back and forth friction, the result can be…

Ever use a cheese grater?

Think of that, but substitute nipples for cheese. You get the idea.

So how do you prevent the weathering of your “man nubs”?

Pasties.

No, seriously. Pasties.

Now before your start thinking about strippers with pasties and wild tassels…

Too late. You’re already picturing it, aren’t you? Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Like I said, before after you think about strippers, you’re kind of on the right track.

But these are pasties with purpose. To guard your “Tic Tacs,” not guard your eyes from gazing upon topless nudity.

Nip Guards

To the rescue… for your nipples.

And yes, believe it or not… they do make a product that helps you with just such a dilemma. Enter, the “Nip Guard.” These are sticky little doohickeys that you slap on the center of your “man mounds” and are thereby protected from the erosion of your chest buttons.

Okay, I’m seriously having too much fun coming up with quirky ways of referring to nipples. Better wrap this up.

Needless to say, these things do the trick. Follow the instructions and have at it. I use them whenever I do a run of 6 miles or longer (or even shorter distances if I know I’m really going to sweat like in mid-summer).

Don’t believe me… go ahead and tempt fate. Trust me, you do not want to be walking around with your na-na’s rubbed raw. You may never wear a white tech shirt again. Ewww.

If you’re going to run half or full marathons, you should drop the cash and invest in some kind of “protection.”

Your nipples will thank you.

Run on!

(Have any fun chafing stories to share?)

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Posted on January 24, 2014, in General, Humor, Tech & Gear and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Yeah, my first 15-miler ended up with a couple of spots on my tech shirt. Freaked my wife out completely. Since then I’ve been using Easy Glide and there have been no further problems.

    • I use glide as well for my thighs and at times the “vertical smile” (don’t want no chafed butt crack). I used it one time on the chest and it stained my shirt, so I stick with the Nip Guards. This is such a silly topic, isn’t it?

  2. After three years of consistent running, my nipples are the equivalent of rhinoceros skin. It takes way more than a 17 mile training run to make these nips bleed. So . . . there is a silver lining?

    • So what you’re saying is those nipples could cut glass. I don’t know if I should be impressed or a little queasy…maybe a bit of both. See you tomorrow for a short 10-miles, which I’m sure your “nips of steel” will laugh at!

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